Schmanksgiving

If I had to choose between Thanksgiving and Christmas as my favorite, it would be Christmas. But close... the presents put it over the top.

Thanksgiving is such a Yablonski thing... get together with all the family, or as much as you can assemble, bring some turkey and ham and stuffing and sweet potatoes with marshmallows and corn related food items and things with green beans (which I don't eat, but it's part of it), and rolls and so on and so forth. And the dessert table. And carbonated beverages.

And then you all sit in some semblance of a circle and go to the trough. And after you are eating, or before, or during, maybe someone will do a Russian dance. Maybe even with an apple in their mouth. And the jokes are flying. Maybe some sibling rivalry from New Jersey. Or a skit of some kind. And then some more ham, maybe.

Thanksgiving

i need to have
this moment here
to see that everything has not changed

i need to know
that you, and I
are strong and happy and close

i need to hear
you laugh and laugh
and see it all the way to your eyes

i know the truth
sometimes the tears
are close behind the joy

but if we can laugh together
we'll be okay

Smartypants is a little melancholy today. Hit me with your funniest.

Froot Loops and Sesame Street. Kids have it good.
Sometimes, when I am immersed in the cares of this world- betrayal and friendship and love and hate, I wish I could just zip back to an age when stress was my cheeseburger falling apart.

Simple
but increasingly complicated
loving someone
and hating what they do

the wounds of a friend

Trusting
Forgetting the possibility
that all at once
the dagger could strike again

faithful
the wounds of a friend

Last night we went and got haircuts for the richys... I was planning on getting Toby's cut, too... but I chickened out. If he gets a haircut, he won't be a baby anymore. Maybe you can hear the mommy-screams from here. More on that in a minute. Anyway, R1 and R2 look great. I tried to get a faux-hawk for R2 but the dadgum cowlicks!! Maybe if I put enough product in it.

Back to the baby-ness of Toby. I'm starting to freak out a little. People used to always say "They grow so fast" and I would look at my 20 pound 5 year old and think..." No, they don't." Well. I get it now. Stop the crazy train. My heart is in a continual squeeze as Toby does these beautiful things and it's all so fleeting.
I wrote this a year ago- now it's even more true

Is this motherhood, this fleeting sense of ownership...
this reaching out to grasp, just as it becomes a memory
this holding and releasing
This blinking, and finding
change happening before your eyes

And even when I try to hold too tightly,
they evade my grasp
shadow boys

7 years

There was this Red Supra that sped by... it only had 3 hubcaps. And the hood was burnt a little. The windows were down, but it was a lady with gray hair.
There was this denim shirt that went by. It was stretched to the maximum on the shoulders, and wrinkled where it was tucked in, one time long ago. It was some guy at the gas station.
I heard some cowboy boots and turned to look. Worn black snakeskin... massive feet. Somebody else.
A flash of silver hair, the crunch of an apple. The smell of computers. Somebody else.
And every time my heart skips a beat and I think- you! But it's somebody else.
And I guess you aren't coming back. Heaven must be pretty good.

---

My dad died 7 years ago today. He was 6'3 and 280 on a light day. He had curly black and silver hair, and dark brown eyes, and a very tickly mustache. He was a giant of a man, literally and figuratively. He was no saint, in fact, he was a rascal. I wish you all could have met him.

26 weeks

Bide a wee, lass, bide a wee
In your mother safe and warm
Though angels be spinnin their glorious tales
Bide a wee, lass, with me

I've two arms a'waitn
And a home full o' love
So bide a wee, lass, with me

---

26 weeks. 10 to go to full term, 14 to 40 weeks... not far. It seems longer now that I'm waiting for someone specific. My heart was so guarded with Toby... I couldn't believe he was real until he was here. But my wee lass, my Brynnie... I hold her in my dreams. My little pink and white girl... my heart is waiting.

It used to bug me when people would look at R2 and say, "He's growing
so fast!"
I, aware of the diapers and the not walking until he was 4 and so on,
would just nod and smile.
Recently, I have become aware of a change. Life is moving quickly.
Last night, I was holding Toby and kind of walking him to sleep...
and his fuzzy little hair was sticking me in my mouth.
And I just had this thought, this part is almost over. He will be
crawling very soon, and getting bigger and bigger.
It just squeezed my heart. I almost feel panicked at the thought of
"losing" my baby.
Later, I went into Richy's room to put away some laundry. And he was
sleeping, sprawled on his stomach with his long legs sticking off the
bed.
I am here. I mean, I almost never leave these boys at all. And
somehow I still feel like I'm missing it.

Is this motherhood, this fleeting sense of ownership...
this reaching out to grasp, just as it becomes a memory
this holding and releasing
This blinking, and finding
change happening before your eyes

And even when I try to hold too tightly,
they evade my grasp
shadow boys

this day in history

7 years ago today, I was in a hospital bed in Houston... it was my 4th day of bedrest after my water broke at 23 weeks and 3 days gestation.
At some point in the afternoon, my contractions started coming more regularly. I tried to ignore them... but somebody was ready to come and meet the Yablonskis.
After a little while. it was obvious that they had done everything they could do to stop labor and it just wasn't safe anymore. So off they wheeled me to the delivery room.

It's really a blur. I remember looking up at the ceiling as they wheeled me through the doorway and down the hall. Then I was in a different room with my mom and Richy I. Richy and I were both so scared. This was our first baby, our first pregnancy and everything had been normal until my water broke... So I laid there and Mama prayed and came in and out as there was a waiting room FULL of Yablonskis and friends waiting for reports. Richy cried and prayed and sang and almost passed out... He ended up out in the hallway for a while. I remember being in the room, just waiting for something to happen. A woman was screaming hysterically next door, and I had various monitors beeping and printing, and Daddy singing in the hall. And through it all, the steady thump thump thump of a very tiny heartbeat.
When he was born, all of us just held our breath for a moment. I remember thinking "Is he alive? Is he alive?" There is just a split second memory in my mind of a tiny gray body being lifted away from me and then the smallest hoarse little cry. Even in the insanity of the situation, relief flooded us. We just wanted to hear him cry. And then he was being wheeled at high speed down to the NICU, to spend his first hours being intubated and really, kept alive by Jesus and the medical team He worked through.

I saw him hours later, when the epidural wore off. I was so shocked. He was so small and red and I was so scared. I couldn't even talk to him... I just cried and cried. I had Richy wheel me back out in the hallway, where Mama was waiting to comfort me. " You better SNAP out of it!" she said. "That is YOUR baby in there. Now, you go back in there and talk to that baby!". Soothing words, those. So I snapped out of it and went and talked to my baby.


It was a scary day. It was emotional and it was hard. But every minute since he was born, he has blessed us.
He is the most pure, loving child I have ever seen. I don't even deserve the sweetness and trust he has. I am so blessed.
And I am so, so glad beyond what I can express that he cried. And that he fought his way through those 4 months in the NICU and that he is still such a fighter now.

a wee cry
and then beeping
and then more crying
and then you awe holy....
Oh ki gosh!
and singing
and singing
and singing
and praying
and laughing
and telling Buzz what's up
on the phone
banging loudly on the piano
and singing, hands flapping
the sounds of you
what joy

Happy Birthday, Richy.


This was the first picture we took of him. I remember thinking, someday we'll put this one up on a big screen as a testimony. He was 12 inches long and 1 pound 5 ounces.





That's his beanie baby, and Richy's wedding ring fit around his arm. He was a week or 2 old here.
















We wrote these Scripture cards and taped them to his incubator to encourage our faith (or denial, some said)





























Richard Lynn Clark II

wow

I don't want to jinx myself.... but Toby has slept from 10-6 for like
3 days now.... crazy. I have to adjust to sleeping through the night.
What a good problem.

ugh.

Pray for me. I need to want God. I need to love His word.
I don't.
It's just not alive to me. I read it and it all feels monotone...
like a chore. I don't want that...

what if
I call for You
and You don't come

what if
I'm waiting
and You're busy

what if
You do come
and You don't like me

what if
You change everything
and I don't like it

what if
I try really hard
and I still can't find You

what if
everybody asks me where You are
and I don't know what to say

what if?

daddy

When you left.... I said I didn't think I would ever laugh again.
But I roared and guffawed at your memorial.
You made me this way, you bad man.
I can't sit through a wedding or a funeral
Without a wicked little dialogue in my head,
Telling me what is so funny.

I thought I would never have
That strength and stability
Home, family ever again
But there was Mama.

I thought it was over
This comedy called
Parenting adults
Seeing how rich and how funny and how strange
But Georgia

I thought no one would charm the waitress
The cashier
The guy at the drive through
And do crazy things in public
But there was Bobby

I thought I would never
Catch someone's eye in church, or a meeting
And have to look away because something is so funny
I lost my friend, I thought
But Leah

I thought we had lost
The black and silver fire
Mystery and grace
Wrapped in hilarity
But.... Calvin

I thought the shoulders were gone
Those broad shoulders to ride on
And all the tricks and teasing
But then I found my kids up there
And there was me

It's not that I don't miss you
It's just that you left so much behind
For us to enjoy

Happy homecoming, Daddy
I hope you have a G5

Last night

What a neat homegroup.... We had 10 or 15 people, I guess.... and the Holy Spirit was there.

I feel like I'm waking up. I can't even describe it. Just all of the sudden I'm cooking again- literally cooking food for the joy of creating... I'm writing a little... making friends again... laughing loud again. Last night I prayed out loud for someone - I think it's been a year.

I guess
this is the joy that comes in the morning

And maybe I can see again
I hope

I think
It's safe to open my arms
And welcome in the prodigals

Maybe I am somehow becoming
Whole again
I am

I find
That I can laugh again
And cry from more than grief

This ending
is a beginning
the sun is out
I see

something I wrote a while back

there’s a somber sweetness about childhood.

i remember walking barefoot. half painted toenails carefully
navigating over white broken rocks. finding treasures: a red leaf, a
stream running through woods. a trail through trees to my friends
house.

i remember anticipation. always, something coming.

i remember running to the ice cream truck, waiting in line. getting
something, usually red. trying to keep it from running down my arms by
holding it out. tangy cold sweetness. red is the color of childhood.

i remember friendship. closer than sisters for days on end. then the
bitter acrimony of switching sisters. secrets on the playground. songs
sung with what seemed to be great skill.

i remember running. whatever it was, i couldn’t get there fast enough.
running, arms spread out to be a pegasus. running, arms tucked to make
it to base. running, spinning, laughing, falling.

i remember knowing. i’ve forgotten now.

i remember being a daughter. the safety of home.

i remember cats. lazy furry curly cats.

i remember barbie. long blonde hair and carefully painted eyes. ken
was always dutiful and captivated.

i remember boys. the smell of sweat always mixed with crayons and the
sawdust from pencil sharpeners. knowing they were looking and finding
myself talking too loud.

i remember lunches. crisp crackly brown paper bags. peanut butter
sandwiches on white bread.

i remember innocence. believing in a world where evil was only in the
movies, and bad guys always came clean at the end.

i remember thinking that i was the only real thing and everything else
was a dream.

i remember beautiful days, grass and sunshine and puddles.

i remember thinking that in the end, everything would work out fine.

i
was right.

Sleepwalking

I am sleepwalking
I'm hoping that maybe
if I tiptoe softly enough
then you will come
And not just be another
sweet dream faded too soon

Maybe if I don't wake up
You will come
and be the substance
of this hope

Maybe if I don't want you too much... maybe if I close my eyes... maybe
if I sleep
Then you can come and fill my arms
and I can be at peace

An ode to CTK

Today I will go to Christ the King

and sit in a hard plastic chair

I will lift my voice and sing

And admire Lindsey's hair

You may ask, would it say

My bum, if it could speak

NO! Not the hardened chairs of gray

For they will bruise the cheek!

It's true enough, I can't deny

The seats are awfully hard

So I will answer in reply

A pillow I'll bring my bum to guard

the end